Why do I still have...

So there it is, the model train set.  The model train set I've carried through 20 years and 5 moves and never set up.  Not once.  Why is this a part of my baggage?  Why do I keep it?

When I was a very little girl, even before I could clearly enunciate the words, I wanted "A train, a truck, and a tractor."  I was told when I could say the words I could have the things.  And I struggled till I could say t instead of f and got my shiny Lionel.  And when we moved not long after, it disappeared.   I didn't know what happened to it.  This happened to my precious belongings every time we moved.  They disappeared because my mother didn't want to move them, or the disappeared between moves because she didn't want to clean up after them, or there wasn't room to keep them.  I was never included in the decision making process.  Now I NEVER let go!  I've realized the voice of the person who keeps them is an angry two year old.  MINE! 

Why I bought this set was this:  My parents moved to a retirement community when I was in my early 30's.  They had to downsize to do it.  I visited one day while they were in the process of clearing out stuff and my mom says  "Would you mind storing some of your brother's old stuff till he can get it?  You can have what you want out of it if you don't want to keep it for him.  Oh by the way, we came across your old Lionel set and donated it to Goodwill."

I was livid at her total lack of personal boundries.  Her inappropriate suggestion that I take his stuff without his permission, and her disposal of a childhood treasure without even bothering to take one minute to call and see if I wanted it.  If she had carried it with all her belongings all this time, why had she never mentioned it to me?  I was bereft of it a second time!  So I went out and bought myself a replacement.  A better set with buidlings and all the things I'd wanted to have as a child.

I realize now I didn't really want the train.  I was reclaiming my ability to decide when I was ready to give it up.  I was waiting for a time when I was ready, when it wasn't determined by circumstance or at someone else's whim.  

Today, I am ready to let go of this symbol of childhood power and powerlessness.  I don't need it anymore.  If I want to enjoy a train set I can go online, find the nearest train club and go see theirs!  Our local club meets every Monday night at the Fairgrounds.   I'm betting the next time I'll see it is during the county fair, LOL!